Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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