Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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