you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
