i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Congratulations! We have a period
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
