My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
