and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
