I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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