3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize