Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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