Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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