we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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