shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
