She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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