Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
