dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
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