ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
