My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
