All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
