you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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