it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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