I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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