i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
