Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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