My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
not ubering you a puppy
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
