If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
