My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
