I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
