We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
