I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
