she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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