WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
