I wanna bring you to show and tell
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
a search helicopter?!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
