need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
