You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
