Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Mom said you looked used
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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