watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
