If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
