omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
