So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
