I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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