she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
