I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
