i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
