I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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