Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
