I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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