You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
