Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
