is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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