so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
