I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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