Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
