I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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