God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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