Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
