I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
