Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
