im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
