I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
