i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
